3 pounds - he did it!!!!

OMG!! Jayven made it to 3 pounds tonight!!
Just one more pound to go and goal #1 is complete.
My little man is doing it just like he is supposed to.

1 more oz please - a few new pics

Jayven is 1 oz away from 3 pounds!!
Might not sound like a big deal bit trust me it IS!!!
Just a couple pictures today as we head of to Ronald McDonald house for the weekend to be closer to little man.

A Poem I had to share

If you know me you know I am in NO WAY a religious person, I would say spiritual and I believe everything happens for a reason, but this poem touched me, made me want to cry and maybe even gave me a new way to see things.

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen
by Erma Bombeck
Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

“Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint…give her Gerard. He’s used to profanity.”

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. “Give her a preemie.”

The angel is curious. “Why this one God? She’s so happy.” “Exactly,” smiles God. “Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel.”

“But does she have the patience?” asks the angel.

“I don’t want her to have too much patience, or she’ll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair.

Once the shock and resentment wear off, she’ll handle it.

I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I am going to give her has a world of it’s own. She has to make it live in her world, and that’s not going to be easy.”

God smiles. “This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness. “

The angel gasps, “Selfishness! Is that a virtue?”

God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.

She doesn’t know it yet, but she is to be envied.

She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary.

When her child says “momma” for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it.

I will permit her to see clear the things that I see – ignorance, cruelty, prejudice – and allow her to rise above them.

She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side.”

“But what about her Patron Saint?” asks the angel, his pen poised in the air. God smiles.

“A mirror will suffice.”

Balance = Not easy

So finding a balance between being at the hospital with Jayven and being home with my family, cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the house or even RESTING has proven to be something I SUCK at!!
I have great intentions of a cooked meal, I even know what I want to make but before I know it I am heading back to the hospital and I get home too late to start the well intended meal. I have visions of clean laundry hanging in our closet and the floors being shiny and clean ....... reality, is I am hunting for clean pants and the floor needs a good scrub.
It's very hard to not feel guilt when you can't be everywhere for everyone.

Any advice on how to time mange would be helpful and I am open to hearing what you got

Jayven is doing well - he's off the breathing machine, he is still on the feeding tube, he's not gained any weight yet, he has "dips" in his breathing about 1 time daily. He loves to hear our voices. He smiles when Daddy or Skylee talk to him. He amazes the nurses with how much he moves around and lifts his little head from one side to the other. As you can see he is wide eyed (when he wants to be). So we wait, we wait for his weigh gain and him being able to eat on his own with fingers crossed that he continues to be our strong little man.

Happy Birthday to ME!

I keep telling myself Jayven is a gift and because today is my birthday I choose to think he didn't want to miss all the excitement!**Insert WICKED sarcasm

Truth is I turned 40 today and I don't have a house full of those horrid over the hill balloons or even a cake for that matter - im really not sure anyone gives a flying rat's ass that it is my birthday. O-well, life goes on and then you turn another year older in 365 more days WOOP-WOOP!!

Anyways back to my point, he is my gift - my happy little, hardly ever cries, sweet, gift. He is doing fantastic, yes still in NICU but come on give the little guy a break, hes only 2 pounds. Even so, he is breathing on his own, has no IV's and is the strongest 2 pound human you will ever meet.
My goal today is to enjoy the ones I love, not find any grey hairs and not let people stress me out (although they have tried very hard already!)

Lets talk about bilirubin & Nasal cannula's? What?

So I am learning real fast that NICU is not only a place but it is a language all its own. Today when I walked in and saw Jayven back under the blue lights I was told all about bilirubins and all I could think was:

"I never thought I would have any reason to know what this word means"

However, now I do know and it's just one more thing I can say I have stored in my bank of knowledge.

The great news was Jayven had no nasal cannula (another new word for me). You know what it is, you just probable didnt know what it was called, this thing:
Look how darn cute he is without all the distractions of nasal cannula and IV's (aka "breathy air thing" before I knew any better) - now he has plenty of room to kiss his little face all over. Something Skylee could not stop doing, hes addicting :)
We found out today that Jayven is just as ready to come home as we are to get him home. If he is not wrapped in his blanket he tries to escape the incubator. Twice he has made his way all the way to the glass. His nurse told us today that if he was able to be put in a play pen, she is 100% sure he would be scooting all over it. She called him a wild man, lol. I find this pretty impressive for a 2 pound, 7 day old little man.

It's been a week?

Today Jayven is 1 week old

How we got here:

On May 19th 2013 my life, as I knew it, changed again. It was just a normal day. (Really? Is anything ever normal in my life?) It was May 16th I was 30 weeks pregnant and I had a 10:15 appointment for a routine monthly check up to see how baby was coming along.

Little did I know EVERYTHING in my “very well planned out, I have everything under control” (it’s just a facade, trust me) world would be tipped sideways (sideways is better than upside-down, it means we haven’t completely spilled out yet) in just a few hours after I left my house. I got to my Dr., I signed in, I sat in the chair, I raised my arm for the blood pressure cuff (all pretty normal right?). The nurse took off the cuff and said “I am going to take it again with a different cuff” – ok. The Dr. came in, didn’t say much other than “I want you to head over to the hospital so they can do some labs”. Ok, so off I go papers in hand (denial in place, I was fine baby was fine and all was great). Once I hit the triage and another blood pressure was taken I was taken to the back and admitted right away. (Still in denial). I sat there in the hospital not truly understanding how big a deal this blood pressure thing was. The word preeclampsia was tossed around but they were waiting on blood work to confirm that.

Once the blood work was back and I was officially diagnosed with severe preeclampsia things started moving too fast for me. My nurse was prepping me for a C-section and I had not even spoke to a Dr. or been told what the hell was going on. When I asked her she simply said “We wanted the Dr. to talk to you first but we really need to move fast, he wants you down there NOW!” Wait! I am only 30 weeks, he’s not ready! Ready or not here he came.

Jayven Lee Johnson is here:

I did not see him or hold him, he was taken to NICU and I was taken, shit I don’t remember where I was taken. I was told he was 2 pounds 13ounces and would be in NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) for at least 6 weeks. Today he is 1 week old. We made it a whole week already. He has not gained any weight yet (please Jayven gain some weight, pretty please) but he is doing well. None of this has really sunk in yet. When I am in NICU I still feel like a visitor. I do not feel like the parent of a sick child. I look at the other parents with sympathy in my head thinking “I’m so sorry, I feel so bad for you, and I wish I could help”.

I am sure this is, in part to my AMAZING ability to act like NOTHING is wrong even in the WORST of possible times. SMILE. FAKE IT. JUST FUCKING SMILE!! (at least until no one is looking and then cry like you mean it!) But even though it all feels surreal, all I can think about is getting to my little man and holding him. He’s so small and all those tubes make him look helpless UNTIL I am holding him in my arms. Once he is in my arms and he looks at me I can tell just how strong he is, how much he is fighting. He is keeping down the little food they are able to give him, he has been able to get off the IV’s (late last night) and he lifts his head and holds our fingers. We love him. He is ours. My little 2 pound baby boy is now the focus of our days and nights. We use the term NICU like it’s as come as lunch. We sit for hours staring at him. I cry. We laugh. His Daddy looks at him with pure love. His sister (my 12 year old baby girl) can’t get enough of him. His brother (my 21 year old baby boy) keeps me positive and focused on the good. So for now this is our life, once again changed in a way I could never have planned. I have so much to say and this blog will provide me that space to do it.

I will warn you that I swear a lot and I tend to be glass is ½ empty most days but I’m working on that. So read on folks I have a feeling our journey begins ~ Jayven is ready and willing to fight to be healthy and strong so I am going to follow his lead.