How we got here:
On May 19th 2013 my life, as I knew it, changed again. It was just a normal day. (Really? Is anything ever normal in my life?) It was May 16th I was 30 weeks pregnant and I had a 10:15 appointment for a routine monthly check up to see how baby was coming along.
Little did I know EVERYTHING in my “very well planned out, I have everything under control” (it’s just a facade, trust me) world would be tipped sideways (sideways is better than upside-down, it means we haven’t completely spilled out yet) in just a few hours after I left my house. I got to my Dr., I signed in, I sat in the chair, I raised my arm for the blood pressure cuff (all pretty normal right?). The nurse took off the cuff and said “I am going to take it again with a different cuff” – ok. The Dr. came in, didn’t say much other than “I want you to head over to the hospital so they can do some labs”. Ok, so off I go papers in hand (denial in place, I was fine baby was fine and all was great). Once I hit the triage and another blood pressure was taken I was taken to the back and admitted right away. (Still in denial). I sat there in the hospital not truly understanding how big a deal this blood pressure thing was. The word preeclampsia was tossed around but they were waiting on blood work to confirm that.
Once the blood work was back and I was officially diagnosed with severe preeclampsia things started moving too fast for me. My nurse was prepping me for a C-section and I had not even spoke to a Dr. or been told what the hell was going on. When I asked her she simply said “We wanted the Dr. to talk to you first but we really need to move fast, he wants you down there NOW!” Wait! I am only 30 weeks, he’s not ready! Ready or not here he came.
Jayven Lee Johnson is here:
I did not see him or hold him, he was taken to NICU and I was taken, shit I don’t remember where I was taken. I was told he was 2 pounds 13ounces and would be in NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) for at least 6 weeks. Today he is 1 week old. We made it a whole week already. He has not gained any weight yet (please Jayven gain some weight, pretty please) but he is doing well. None of this has really sunk in yet. When I am in NICU I still feel like a visitor. I do not feel like the parent of a sick child. I look at the other parents with sympathy in my head thinking “I’m so sorry, I feel so bad for you, and I wish I could help”.
I am sure this is, in part to my AMAZING ability to act like NOTHING is wrong even in the WORST of possible times. SMILE. FAKE IT. JUST FUCKING SMILE!! (at least until no one is looking and then cry like you mean it!) But even though it all feels surreal, all I can think about is getting to my little man and holding him. He’s so small and all those tubes make him look helpless UNTIL I am holding him in my arms. Once he is in my arms and he looks at me I can tell just how strong he is, how much he is fighting. He is keeping down the little food they are able to give him, he has been able to get off the IV’s (late last night) and he lifts his head and holds our fingers. We love him. He is ours. My little 2 pound baby boy is now the focus of our days and nights. We use the term NICU like it’s as come as lunch. We sit for hours staring at him. I cry. We laugh. His Daddy looks at him with pure love. His sister (my 12 year old baby girl) can’t get enough of him. His brother (my 21 year old baby boy) keeps me positive and focused on the good. So for now this is our life, once again changed in a way I could never have planned. I have so much to say and this blog will provide me that space to do it.
I will warn you that I swear a lot and I tend to be glass is ½ empty most days but I’m working on that. So read on folks I have a feeling our journey begins ~ Jayven is ready and willing to fight to be healthy and strong so I am going to follow his lead.
I love this lori!!!-macie
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